(no subject)
Sep. 25th, 2007 05:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magicaddictLack of understanding seems to be the problem. It so often is.
Still, why you keep at it, I'm not entirely certain.
We've been over it many, many times. I've been emailed by people to explain why they were right. I've had well-meaning suggestions of how I should going about "helping myself" from left, right and centre. I'm probably as sick of listening to them as you are of trying to get your point across.
Yet, still we end up arguing about it. At Emma's birthday party, indeed.
At the very least, please try to understand this: I am tired. I am jaded. I really don't want to discuss it with people and hurt everyone again. This is where I stand, and will continue to do so, and I do not wish to receive creative rebuttal as I do not believe the following will assert anything that needs to be discussed.
I have made attempts, both at the request of campaign GMs, game GMs and off my own bat, to be creative on behalf of Blades. We all know what these were. None of them have been successful, and the criticism, be it constructive or otherwise, has become hardwired into my system. I find myself unwilling to attempt to do so again, for fear that someone will pull it all down once more. This cowardice is a source of great shame on my part.
The society has changed. What was once not acceptable has, by popular vote, been made as such. You now can create things that other people hang off, and they are only too pleased to do so. How good I think this is is hard to put into words. I should be both ecstatically happy that what I wanted so much is now possible, and excited at the potential for what others will come up with.
With me so far?
Unfortunately, while I am also unable to bring myself to taking part in this brave, new world, neither do I find myself able to be pleased for those who do. When I see something someone else has created, I find myself wondering why no-one publicly questioned it the way they questioned me, and how it's been accepted without so much as a moment's collective hesitation, when the best I managed to inspire was mass foot-dragging and snide debate. Either the criticism I received was entirely justified, in which case, these people who are getting almost rubber-stamped yes results really are that many magnitudes better than me, or it wasn't, in which case I can't get over the feeling of resentment that they are getting away with what I couldn't. I have, over time, cultivated the belief that some people are more eligible to create on behalf of the society than others, and I have been told repeatedly that it's not true. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're not. Maybe I lost the ability to change my mind before you started trying to do so.
Irrational? If you say so.
It is unbelievably shaming to realise you that you are arguing over the success of the people you are sitting with - people who can't even understand, let alone disagree - on the grounds you've become too pathologically afraid of failure to even try sharing in what they do, essentially telling them you don't like their having fun because you can't join in yourself. It's even more shaming to then go home and still feel the same way the following morning. I do. Even now. I hate myself sometimes.
I am genuinely sorry to those who create for Blades that I don't appreciate what you do on the grounds I can't do it myself. I'm never going to appreciate it, because every time you come out with something else to widespread dramatic approval, it will remind me of precisely what I wish I still wanted to try.
I don't want to open another discussion. Hand on heart, and with further genuine apologies, I swear that I do not want to listen to your opinion for the forty-fifth time on the off chance that this repetition might cause an epiphany. It won't. I do not believe I am to blame for becoming this bitter and twisted, though am fully aware that my staying that way is another matter entirely.
Epic Fail. Go on, put it on a macro.
Now, I don't know about you, but writing this hurt like a son of a bitch. I'm off to Norrath. I may be some time.
Still, why you keep at it, I'm not entirely certain.
We've been over it many, many times. I've been emailed by people to explain why they were right. I've had well-meaning suggestions of how I should going about "helping myself" from left, right and centre. I'm probably as sick of listening to them as you are of trying to get your point across.
Yet, still we end up arguing about it. At Emma's birthday party, indeed.
At the very least, please try to understand this: I am tired. I am jaded. I really don't want to discuss it with people and hurt everyone again. This is where I stand, and will continue to do so, and I do not wish to receive creative rebuttal as I do not believe the following will assert anything that needs to be discussed.
I have made attempts, both at the request of campaign GMs, game GMs and off my own bat, to be creative on behalf of Blades. We all know what these were. None of them have been successful, and the criticism, be it constructive or otherwise, has become hardwired into my system. I find myself unwilling to attempt to do so again, for fear that someone will pull it all down once more. This cowardice is a source of great shame on my part.
The society has changed. What was once not acceptable has, by popular vote, been made as such. You now can create things that other people hang off, and they are only too pleased to do so. How good I think this is is hard to put into words. I should be both ecstatically happy that what I wanted so much is now possible, and excited at the potential for what others will come up with.
With me so far?
Unfortunately, while I am also unable to bring myself to taking part in this brave, new world, neither do I find myself able to be pleased for those who do. When I see something someone else has created, I find myself wondering why no-one publicly questioned it the way they questioned me, and how it's been accepted without so much as a moment's collective hesitation, when the best I managed to inspire was mass foot-dragging and snide debate. Either the criticism I received was entirely justified, in which case, these people who are getting almost rubber-stamped yes results really are that many magnitudes better than me, or it wasn't, in which case I can't get over the feeling of resentment that they are getting away with what I couldn't. I have, over time, cultivated the belief that some people are more eligible to create on behalf of the society than others, and I have been told repeatedly that it's not true. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're not. Maybe I lost the ability to change my mind before you started trying to do so.
Irrational? If you say so.
It is unbelievably shaming to realise you that you are arguing over the success of the people you are sitting with - people who can't even understand, let alone disagree - on the grounds you've become too pathologically afraid of failure to even try sharing in what they do, essentially telling them you don't like their having fun because you can't join in yourself. It's even more shaming to then go home and still feel the same way the following morning. I do. Even now. I hate myself sometimes.
I am genuinely sorry to those who create for Blades that I don't appreciate what you do on the grounds I can't do it myself. I'm never going to appreciate it, because every time you come out with something else to widespread dramatic approval, it will remind me of precisely what I wish I still wanted to try.
I don't want to open another discussion. Hand on heart, and with further genuine apologies, I swear that I do not want to listen to your opinion for the forty-fifth time on the off chance that this repetition might cause an epiphany. It won't. I do not believe I am to blame for becoming this bitter and twisted, though am fully aware that my staying that way is another matter entirely.
Epic Fail. Go on, put it on a macro.
Now, I don't know about you, but writing this hurt like a son of a bitch. I'm off to Norrath. I may be some time.
