This Is Getting Ridiculous...

[magicaddict]

...this is, quite literally, the first moment I have had that I can post in since last week.

I'm not doing anything - where's the time going?

Weekdays while working are nothing like weekdays while at university. Weekdays while at university had something to them - they were part of the calendar and each had their own ethos. Monday would involve shopping after the day had finished, Tuesday would be relaxing, Wednesday would involve waiting for people to get back from Sci-fi, Thursday was karaoke and Friday was Shadowrun, all with EverQuest II filling in the gaps.
Right now, all weekdays are are space fillers for weekends that are so packed and busy that they've barely started before they've finished again, and that PhD chapter you were going to work on still hasn't been done.

I lack motivation. Or possibly I'm aware and simply don't want to do much.

Even weekends are slightly grey. I wake up, go to uni, waste six hours of the day trying to write data-sensitive parts of the PhD, get late, rush home, rush dinner, sit down to roleplay (if it's on) desperately unprepared and having to be reminded what is going on when I should be on top of things. I can't make myself go up to campus any earlier and I can't ask people to start any later - we'd never get anywhere.
Sunday I get up, eat crumpets, find we're late for the bus again, despite how early we got up, get up to campus and ostensibly relax, even though I'm actually still doing something. Then go to the pub, again to ostensibly relax but once again doing something. Then I get home, eat, and it's time to sleep before work starts. Where the hell did the time go?

Gone are the days where I can actually do nothing. Every second I have to do nothing in has a large "PhD" sign over it in red, with Kieran's slightly long-suffering stare reminding me that I should be getting on with it. So I do. The only reason I'm not right now is he's currently in Ireland challenging someone else's thesis, then is off to Romania to a conference he's something of a world authority on the subjects of. He's got a couple of chapters to be looking at in the departure lounges, as he requested, so I'm having a night off. I'll be back at it tomorrow.

There's no colour any more, and that really is no-one's fault.

It manifests itself. Last night Tim and I genned characters for Jon's upcoming SLA game. Having been sure that we weren't doing anything, I was quietly pootling away on checking the chapter when Jon and Tim arrived and I was rushed again. In a perfect reflection of what my life has become since I started work, with no nudging whatsoever I found myself genning Rick Deckard. There was a chance to play a TJ clone staring me in the face (complete with lashings of one liners and rudimentary inter-party conflict), and it just didn't appeal to me. I wanted to play the most utterly deadpan leading character ever created.

If it wasn't for Emma being around all the time, I might not get out of bed in the morning.

Why the hell am I making people read this. There are enough other people doing it - the last thing required is another throwing 2cp into the ring.

Comments

[xanthipe]

Sometimes it feels like the best way to get one's self out of this sort of funk is to write down that it's happening and show it to the world, or to talk about it with someone whom one respects. Then, at least to me, it feels like a promise has been made to switch things around...

[magicaddict.livejournal.com]

I can't see anything being switched round - have to see how this pans out now to see if you're right.

[wargamer.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about not being on top of things for warhammer, half the time I arrive not knowing whats happening and I wrote the damn thing

[dbexx.livejournal.com]

It sounds like it sucks atm.
Maybe actually shceduling 'time off'? An hour here or there could help, and would even possibly make you more productive at other times, becuase you might feel less cheated of 'free' time.

And at the end of the day, you do have a fuckload on. You're doing a fulltime job, writing a PhD, doing I don't know how many other activities - it is a lot. Some folk do their full time job and just watch TV. Don't beat yourself up over feeling like a headless chicken sometimes.

[magicaddict.livejournal.com]

It's never-ending though - I'm about half way through it and there's all kinds of corrections after that. I planned to have this finished by Christmas, then Her Majesty's government got in the way.

[dbexx.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes. Her Majesty (who I'm sure is innocent in all this) has a government who suck.
And never-ending is relative. I know it feels never-ending right now, but in a year, or 18 months on the pessamistic side, it'll be done. Sure, thats, what? 5 years? But you will then be Dr Magicaddict, and in a position to play on that in the professional field.
You're about halfway, then corrections on top. So while there might not be visible light at the end of the tunnel, there is an end, and you know it's there.

I'm not trying to play down or bilittle your current situation or feelings - I'd be the last person to do that - but simply to point out that this will end. As I'm sure you know.

[drabbit.livejournal.com]

We like reading about it, because it reminds us we're not alone in how we feel about the world, that that sensation that every free minute is sacrosanct because there's so few of them.
It helps you to make us read it, because it reminds us that you're human and feel the same things we do - it provides an emotional link.

All that's worth more than a copper piece or two.

And I agree with dbexx - you're heavily booked at the moment. It won't always be so. Stick with it though because it leads to bright shiny light of more chill time later. And a greater appreciation for it once it's there.

[drabbit.livejournal.com]

...that that sensation that every free minute is sacrosanct because there's so few of them... is shared by others.

Le sigh.

[magicaddict.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure whether its sensible to be quite so human sometimes. It's not always been a good thing to be in past experience.

Softer cushions around this time, I suppose. Makes things a lot easier to deal with, and for that I owe a lot of people gratitude.

[drabbit.livejournal.com]

Sensible? Probably not. But then if you're not human, what are you?

Get busy living or get busy dying, as Red says.

[dbexx.livejournal.com]

Holy f**k!!
Human????

You've lied to me all these years.

Damn you.

[stafford-fgm.livejournal.com]

Then go to the pub, again to ostensibly relax but once again doing something. Then I get home, eat, and it's time to sleep before work starts. Where the hell did the time go?


Ah, welcome to my walk of life.

I find that a diary, and on odd occasion, acquiring the ability to say 'No-if-I-don't-get-some-rest-soon-I'll-need-more-places-to-hide-the-bodies' can go quite a long way. ;)

[same-difference.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if you've done it but sometimes just writing out on a weekly planner everything you do can help give you some perspective. Plus help you see where you losing time for no good reason too.

Seriously though there's nothing wrong with occasionally feeling like this, especially with something like a PhD write up to do. You need to find a way to just forget about all the things you have to do and relax every so often. Sadly it's not something that you can easily give advice on how to achieve as it's a very much a personal thing.

[magicaddict.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I can't do a planner - I never keep to it, and that just makes me feel worse. No, I just need to get it finished, and I'll be free of it - it's just a pain in the ass while it hangs about.

[same-difference.livejournal.com]

In this case it's no so much about sticking to a planner as just seeing where all the times goes. You might find you've been wasting some time and that would be useful.

[indigogecko.livejournal.com]

We still on for drinks tomorrow night (Thursday)? Hopefully relaxing, and happy to be at home or out as you prefer... brought back a bottle of something from Barcelona I think you might appretiate.